bothbarrels | Duplicity IC Contact

That's not what I—

[ She muffles a wordless frustrated noise in her hands, folding over almost in half with the backs of her hands against her knees. ]

I just get it, okay? I get why he did it. I fucking saw this memory of that Wash's and for all I know, it's not the same for this one, but I fucked him up bad, so being that pissed at me— I get it.

You get it. Ah, you get it. Okay.

[ His tone has become icily sarcastic. He sits back against the couch, facing forward again, and tilts his head to gaze above the wall. ]

But, okay, sure. That's fine. It's all fine.

For fuck's sake, don't get like that at me!

[ 'You're giving me the chance to prove I'm better, why don't I get to do the same to others?' is on the tip of her tongue, but she can't say it. If she does, he might realise he should just cut her off, after all. ]

No, it's not fucking fine, none of what happened was fine, but that's not— it's not— [ She breaks off into another wordless noise. ]

[ There's a moment's pause. North suddenly stands. ]

Nah, it's not. It's not fine.

[ He walks to the wall and, tilting his head down, plants his forehead against it, one hand flat on the wall. ]

[ A sense of dread nestles itself in the pit of her stomach. She's not sure if it's on her own behalf, or Wash's. Maybe both.

She opens her mouth, realises she doesn't even know what to say, and just gets out a— ]

Drew...?

[ —before she falls silent again. ]

[ He pushes back and turns around. ]

Give me all your guns.

I— what?

[ That was not at all what she was expecting him to say. She blinks, opens her mouth, frowns, shuts it. ]

Why? What the fuck do you want my guns for? I told you no being stupid about this!

[ He walks closer as he speaks, pointing a finger at the floor with emphasis. As he continues he continually gets louder, pointing higher with each emphasized word. ]

I want them where you can't get to them until I get an explanation for why you said Wash was in the right for SHOOTING YOU.

[ By the final two words of his sentence North is leaning down to face South more closely, pointing at her with two jabs. ]

Edited 2021-11-11 00:59 (UTC)

[ He raises his voice like this so rarely that she's not prepared for it, that she flinches when he gets out those last two words right in her face. Staring back at him with wide eyes, she's sat so still it's like she's forgotten to breathe.

It takes her a long, long second to digest the words themselves, not just the tone. An even longer second, to come anywhere near understanding them. He wants the guns... away from her... until...? ]

...the fuck do you think I'm gonna do?

[ Her voice is smaller than usual, but it's still not an answer. ]

Don't act like you're stupid.

[ He stands, turns, and walks to the wall again. This time after planting his forehead he starts beating his fist on the wall. ]

Goddamn, fuck, shit.

[ The thing is it honestly doesn't click, not at first. Not even as she asks the question, the implication right there on the tip of her tongue. She doesn't understand how they got here, can't see all the pieces that she laid out without even realising she was doing it. ]

I'm not, I— fuck, Drew, I told you why!

[ He's still beating on the wall as he talks. ]

There's a goddamn difference between understanding him and thinking he's right.

[ He closes his eyes and shakes his head, rocking it back and forth on the wall. ]

I have never, ever in my life seen you like this and I'm so goddamn worried about you realizing what you're thinking in the middle of the goddamned night. God.

[ Now instead of beating his hand on the wall, he starts bopping it with his forehead. After doing this five times, he stops, holding there with his fist on the wall and his forehead pressed against it. ]

Fuck.

[ He moves from the wall just enough to have room to cover his face with his hands. ]

Seen me like what? What do you think I'm fucking thinking?

[ Seeing him this worked up is... she doesn't even know what it is, it's upsetting, it's weird, it's confusing. She stands up and takes a few steps his way, but hesitates and stops before she reaches him.

The answer he wants is there in her head. She knows what it is. She knows why she thinks he was right to shoot her. She deserved it. She fucking deserved it. But as the cogs slowly turn, she feels less and less like giving him that answer is going to actually stop this in its tracks. ]

[ He can't answer right now, still covering his face and not moving. The truth is that if he tries to talk he'll scream at the top of his lungs and the angry rage tears trying to escape him will take over. So he doesn't move. ]

I... Drew...

[ In some ways seeing him like this is worse than seeing him cry. She knows how to deal with him crying, kinda. She doesn't know how to deal with this. Doesn't know if touching him will help or just make it all worse. Doesn't know the right words to say, because the wrong ones might make him cry or make him worse.

She steps a little closer, but doesn't touch him. Fuck. Maybe Ducky was right. Maybe they shouldn't have these conversations alone until they're more stable, but... ]

I just— it's, it's just...

[ He tries to say 'what?' but what comes out is a half-grunt, half-aborted sob, and he ends up letting out a whimper, exhaling sharply. He jerks a little, planting his hands even more tightly against his face. He's very, very close to losing this battle. ]

...s'just after everything I did, the fucking monster I'd ended up...

[ She drags her hands back through her hair, curls them into the roots and grits her teeth. Breathes. Inhale, exhale. ]

[ He turns, moving one hand from his face in order to gaze out with one eye and reach with that arm. Moments later he's hugging her fiercely and stifling himself against her shoulder. ]

[ She lets out a surprised noise, but she doesn't fight it and she has her arms wrapped around his shoulders before she even thinks about doing it. One hand on the back of his head, the other fisted in his shirt. She drops her head forward against him.

She doesn't finish the sentiment—didn't she deserve it? When she'd done all those things, when she was that far gone for so long? Doesn't— didn't she deserve to die? ]

[ He ends up rocking her back and forth for a bit while he manages to shove the possibility of crying away. He starts breathing deeply, and then finally lifts his head. ]

I lost you once. That was enough.

[ She swallows heavily. Stares back at him with a sort of dazed look in her eyes because this is all coming on just as fast for her as it is him, really. Sure, she knows she got kinda self-destructive back on the rig with the Jorg thing but... but all this... ]

I-I'm not— [ she clears her throat ] —I'm not gonna do anything stupid, Drew. I'm not.

[ Way, way back when they very very small, their parents used to encourage them to call each other Sissy and Bubba. They hadn't really called each other by those names since they were five or so; except that later on, North would break that out to tease South with it. In serious moments, he's called her Sis plenty, but not Sissy. Not anymore.

But North returns to hugging her more tightly. ]

Please, Sissy.

[ Fuck if that doesn't hit her like a punch in the gut, and she hisses air like it's a physical blow. She clings to him as tightly as she can and squeezes her eyes shut, which only makes the wetness she's trying to stop leak out. ]

I promise. Okay? I— I promise, I'm not... I'm not gonna do anything. [ deep breath, and for all that a tiny part of her feels silly as she says it, she feels like she needs to right now, so ] I promise, Bubba. Okay? I fucking promise. I'll... I'll actually give you my damn guns for a couple weeks if you're that worried.

[ Fuck. Just— fuck. ]

[ He clings, and doesn't respond. Not at first. He rocks her a little more. Eventually he sniffles, and replies: ]

I'm just scared to fucking death. I don't know you.

[ That makes her tense up a little, but also makes her cling tighter. ]

M'still me. [ whoever that really is ] Just a bit fucked up, I guess. I don't know.

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cw: vague suicidal ideation again

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