Duplicity IC Contact

[bothbarrels]

 I suppose if you've reached this message I'm not around to accept your contact.
So, you can just leave it here, and I'll be sure to contact you back as soon as I can.

Comments

[ownperson]

But I'm still me. [ she jabs a thumb against her own chest ] I'm not— I know things have changed, but... what the fuck am I saying that makes me unrecognizable?

[bothbarrels]

[ He's still staring down at his hands. He clenches them loosely into fists. ]

Everything? Like, you know, there may have been times I hated it but you always had yourself at number one.

[ For all he's encouraged her to be better over the years, the fact that it has actually happened just seems impossible to believe. ]

[ownperson]

[ She scrubs her hand over her face. ]

Again, isn't me not doing that the fucking point? Like— ugh.

[ She says, as if they didn't just have a whole thing about him being scared she was going to hurt herself. ]

[bothbarrels]

No? You said you want to be better, not stop prioritizing yourself.

[ownperson]

Being better means— means not being fucking selfish, right? We had a whole fucking conversation about this, you were surprised then but I didn't think—

[ She's confused. She's so confused. ]

[bothbarrels]

There's a difference between not being selfish and like, putting yourself down. Putting yourself last.

[ownperson]

But I'm... I'm not?

[ She sounds genuinely confused, but also unsure in equal measure. ]

[bothbarrels]

[ He turns just enough to view her in the corner of his vision. ]

[ownperson]

I'm not! I'm just... I'm— I'm just...

[ She trails off, presses her lips together. She has to have a rebuttal to this, right? ]

I was calling you out on shit like an hour ago. I'm not putting myself last!

[bothbarrels]

[ He shakes his head. ]

Okay. Yeah. I'm reading into things. But...

[ownperson]

But what?

[ Her voice is smaller, again. Like before. She tucks her legs up onto the seat with her and grips tight enough, in holding them there, that her knuckles go white. ]

[bothbarrels]

But, I don't get it, Anja! I don't understand!

[ownperson]

I don't understand what you don't fucking understand, Drew, I don't—!

[ She groans, thuds her head against the cushion a few times. They're both ramming into the opposite sides of the same blockage and she doesn't know how to clear it. ]

Thinking the monster that got you killed maybe deserved some fucking payback doesn't mean I like— hate myself, or something! I'm me! I don't do that!

[bothbarrels]

[ He throws his hands up, splaying his fingers. ]

That was YOU! You're separating this in your head like...like...

[ownperson]

Like what? I didn't live that, I didn't— it wasn't me. It wasn't this me. But maybe it sh—

[ She bites her tongue. Nope. Do not finish that sentence when you already had to convince him you aren't going to hurt yourself. Fuck's sake. ]

[bothbarrels]

[ His eyes widen. ]

Maybe what?

[ownperson]

...nothing. I didn't— I didn't mean it like that.

[ She deserved it. She deserved it. She doesn't want to die, she really doesn't, that's not what it is, it's more complicated than that. ]

[bothbarrels]

[ He stares at her for another long moment. ]

You need to reconcile this in your head. Becoming better doesn't undo what you did.

[ownperson]

[ She blinks at him. Just— blinks. Utterly fucking dumbfounded, and hurt. She sits up sharply. ]

That's— what? That's not— you think that's what this is about?! I know I can't undo it, Drew! I wish I could but I know I fucking can't and I live with that every fucking day! Why do you think I feel like I fucking deserved that damn bullet?! That monster was, is, me, okay, I know that, I know that!

[bothbarrels]

[ He's left staring at her, holding his breath. Then he seems to deflate, sinking back into the couch. ]

Okay. Okay.

[ownperson]

[ She sags, too. Slumps sideways, again, head against the back of the couch and legs pulled up under her. ]

…m’sorry. I’m trying.

[ She keeps upsetting him, it feels like. ]

[bothbarrels]

[ He lets out a wordless, humorless chuckle. ]

I just... I want things to be better. Why can't we just fast forward to when it's better?

[ Why? Because things worth doing take work. He knows this. But he doesn't want to have to. It's going to be hard and he doesn't want to have to. ]

[ownperson]

[ She reaches over for one of his hands so she can squeeze it. ]

You know why.

I wish shit were simple, too, but we are— we’e anything fucking but, and… and I wanna get there. I wanna fucking get to when things are better.

Can’t do that on my own.

[bothbarrels]

[ He turns his hand over to squeeze her hand back. ]

I know. God.

[ownperson]

[ She keeps a firm grip, shaking his hand and arm slightly. ]

Call each other on our shit and keep trying, yeah?