bothbarrels | Duplicity IC Contact

[ He raises his voice like this so rarely that she's not prepared for it, that she flinches when he gets out those last two words right in her face. Staring back at him with wide eyes, she's sat so still it's like she's forgotten to breathe.

It takes her a long, long second to digest the words themselves, not just the tone. An even longer second, to come anywhere near understanding them. He wants the guns... away from her... until...? ]

...the fuck do you think I'm gonna do?

[ Her voice is smaller than usual, but it's still not an answer. ]

Don't act like you're stupid.

[ He stands, turns, and walks to the wall again. This time after planting his forehead he starts beating his fist on the wall. ]

Goddamn, fuck, shit.

[ The thing is it honestly doesn't click, not at first. Not even as she asks the question, the implication right there on the tip of her tongue. She doesn't understand how they got here, can't see all the pieces that she laid out without even realising she was doing it. ]

I'm not, I— fuck, Drew, I told you why!

[ He's still beating on the wall as he talks. ]

There's a goddamn difference between understanding him and thinking he's right.

[ He closes his eyes and shakes his head, rocking it back and forth on the wall. ]

I have never, ever in my life seen you like this and I'm so goddamn worried about you realizing what you're thinking in the middle of the goddamned night. God.

[ Now instead of beating his hand on the wall, he starts bopping it with his forehead. After doing this five times, he stops, holding there with his fist on the wall and his forehead pressed against it. ]

Fuck.

[ He moves from the wall just enough to have room to cover his face with his hands. ]

Seen me like what? What do you think I'm fucking thinking?

[ Seeing him this worked up is... she doesn't even know what it is, it's upsetting, it's weird, it's confusing. She stands up and takes a few steps his way, but hesitates and stops before she reaches him.

The answer he wants is there in her head. She knows what it is. She knows why she thinks he was right to shoot her. She deserved it. She fucking deserved it. But as the cogs slowly turn, she feels less and less like giving him that answer is going to actually stop this in its tracks. ]

[ He can't answer right now, still covering his face and not moving. The truth is that if he tries to talk he'll scream at the top of his lungs and the angry rage tears trying to escape him will take over. So he doesn't move. ]

I... Drew...

[ In some ways seeing him like this is worse than seeing him cry. She knows how to deal with him crying, kinda. She doesn't know how to deal with this. Doesn't know if touching him will help or just make it all worse. Doesn't know the right words to say, because the wrong ones might make him cry or make him worse.

She steps a little closer, but doesn't touch him. Fuck. Maybe Ducky was right. Maybe they shouldn't have these conversations alone until they're more stable, but... ]

I just— it's, it's just...

[ He tries to say 'what?' but what comes out is a half-grunt, half-aborted sob, and he ends up letting out a whimper, exhaling sharply. He jerks a little, planting his hands even more tightly against his face. He's very, very close to losing this battle. ]

...s'just after everything I did, the fucking monster I'd ended up...

[ She drags her hands back through her hair, curls them into the roots and grits her teeth. Breathes. Inhale, exhale. ]

[ He turns, moving one hand from his face in order to gaze out with one eye and reach with that arm. Moments later he's hugging her fiercely and stifling himself against her shoulder. ]

[ She lets out a surprised noise, but she doesn't fight it and she has her arms wrapped around his shoulders before she even thinks about doing it. One hand on the back of his head, the other fisted in his shirt. She drops her head forward against him.

She doesn't finish the sentiment—didn't she deserve it? When she'd done all those things, when she was that far gone for so long? Doesn't— didn't she deserve to die? ]

[ He ends up rocking her back and forth for a bit while he manages to shove the possibility of crying away. He starts breathing deeply, and then finally lifts his head. ]

I lost you once. That was enough.

[ She swallows heavily. Stares back at him with a sort of dazed look in her eyes because this is all coming on just as fast for her as it is him, really. Sure, she knows she got kinda self-destructive back on the rig with the Jorg thing but... but all this... ]

I-I'm not— [ she clears her throat ] —I'm not gonna do anything stupid, Drew. I'm not.

[ Way, way back when they very very small, their parents used to encourage them to call each other Sissy and Bubba. They hadn't really called each other by those names since they were five or so; except that later on, North would break that out to tease South with it. In serious moments, he's called her Sis plenty, but not Sissy. Not anymore.

But North returns to hugging her more tightly. ]

Please, Sissy.

[ Fuck if that doesn't hit her like a punch in the gut, and she hisses air like it's a physical blow. She clings to him as tightly as she can and squeezes her eyes shut, which only makes the wetness she's trying to stop leak out. ]

I promise. Okay? I— I promise, I'm not... I'm not gonna do anything. [ deep breath, and for all that a tiny part of her feels silly as she says it, she feels like she needs to right now, so ] I promise, Bubba. Okay? I fucking promise. I'll... I'll actually give you my damn guns for a couple weeks if you're that worried.

[ Fuck. Just— fuck. ]

[ He clings, and doesn't respond. Not at first. He rocks her a little more. Eventually he sniffles, and replies: ]

I'm just scared to fucking death. I don't know you.

[ That makes her tense up a little, but also makes her cling tighter. ]

M'still me. [ whoever that really is ] Just a bit fucked up, I guess. I don't know.

[ He doesn't reply, just continues to rock her. ]

[ She squeezes her eyes tighter shut, but it still does nothing but make the budding tears leak. ]

I'm not gonna hurt myself. I'm not. I'm not.

[ quieter, muffled ] Not gonna hurt myself. Not going anywhere. M'not.

[ She doesn't know what else to say. She can't take what she's already said back, and she doesn't want to say more that may just make him more upset. ]

[ He pats her back. ]

'Kay. I believe you.

[ She nods, gives him a tight, tight squeeze and bumps her head against the side of his. Breathes in, then out slowly. ]

...I didn't mean to— I didn't think...

[ She really didn't realise what she was putting out there. Didn't realise any of that was in her. ]

[ He squeezes her again. ]

It doesn't matter.

[ She sags against him a little, like she feels heavy. She kind of does. ]

I love you. M'sorry.

[ She really does hate upsetting him more than ever, these days. It's what makes handling some of this so hard. Sometimes she has to push, sometimes it's going to be hard. This wasn't... she doesn't even know what this was. He was never meant to find out any of this like this. ]

I love you, Sis.

[ He releases the embrace just enough to pull back and look her in the face. And holds there, looking her in the eye, not speaking. ]

[ She looks back at him, but starts feeling awkward under the silent gaze, the scrutiny, after too long a moment. ]

...what?

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cw: vague suicidal ideation again

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