bothbarrels | Duplicity IC Contact

I... Drew...

[ In some ways seeing him like this is worse than seeing him cry. She knows how to deal with him crying, kinda. She doesn't know how to deal with this. Doesn't know if touching him will help or just make it all worse. Doesn't know the right words to say, because the wrong ones might make him cry or make him worse.

She steps a little closer, but doesn't touch him. Fuck. Maybe Ducky was right. Maybe they shouldn't have these conversations alone until they're more stable, but... ]

I just— it's, it's just...

[ He tries to say 'what?' but what comes out is a half-grunt, half-aborted sob, and he ends up letting out a whimper, exhaling sharply. He jerks a little, planting his hands even more tightly against his face. He's very, very close to losing this battle. ]

...s'just after everything I did, the fucking monster I'd ended up...

[ She drags her hands back through her hair, curls them into the roots and grits her teeth. Breathes. Inhale, exhale. ]

[ He turns, moving one hand from his face in order to gaze out with one eye and reach with that arm. Moments later he's hugging her fiercely and stifling himself against her shoulder. ]

[ She lets out a surprised noise, but she doesn't fight it and she has her arms wrapped around his shoulders before she even thinks about doing it. One hand on the back of his head, the other fisted in his shirt. She drops her head forward against him.

She doesn't finish the sentiment—didn't she deserve it? When she'd done all those things, when she was that far gone for so long? Doesn't— didn't she deserve to die? ]

[ He ends up rocking her back and forth for a bit while he manages to shove the possibility of crying away. He starts breathing deeply, and then finally lifts his head. ]

I lost you once. That was enough.

[ She swallows heavily. Stares back at him with a sort of dazed look in her eyes because this is all coming on just as fast for her as it is him, really. Sure, she knows she got kinda self-destructive back on the rig with the Jorg thing but... but all this... ]

I-I'm not— [ she clears her throat ] —I'm not gonna do anything stupid, Drew. I'm not.

[ Way, way back when they very very small, their parents used to encourage them to call each other Sissy and Bubba. They hadn't really called each other by those names since they were five or so; except that later on, North would break that out to tease South with it. In serious moments, he's called her Sis plenty, but not Sissy. Not anymore.

But North returns to hugging her more tightly. ]

Please, Sissy.

[ Fuck if that doesn't hit her like a punch in the gut, and she hisses air like it's a physical blow. She clings to him as tightly as she can and squeezes her eyes shut, which only makes the wetness she's trying to stop leak out. ]

I promise. Okay? I— I promise, I'm not... I'm not gonna do anything. [ deep breath, and for all that a tiny part of her feels silly as she says it, she feels like she needs to right now, so ] I promise, Bubba. Okay? I fucking promise. I'll... I'll actually give you my damn guns for a couple weeks if you're that worried.

[ Fuck. Just— fuck. ]

[ He clings, and doesn't respond. Not at first. He rocks her a little more. Eventually he sniffles, and replies: ]

I'm just scared to fucking death. I don't know you.

[ That makes her tense up a little, but also makes her cling tighter. ]

M'still me. [ whoever that really is ] Just a bit fucked up, I guess. I don't know.

[ He doesn't reply, just continues to rock her. ]

[ She squeezes her eyes tighter shut, but it still does nothing but make the budding tears leak. ]

I'm not gonna hurt myself. I'm not. I'm not.

[ quieter, muffled ] Not gonna hurt myself. Not going anywhere. M'not.

[ She doesn't know what else to say. She can't take what she's already said back, and she doesn't want to say more that may just make him more upset. ]

[ He pats her back. ]

'Kay. I believe you.

[ She nods, gives him a tight, tight squeeze and bumps her head against the side of his. Breathes in, then out slowly. ]

...I didn't mean to— I didn't think...

[ She really didn't realise what she was putting out there. Didn't realise any of that was in her. ]

[ He squeezes her again. ]

It doesn't matter.

[ She sags against him a little, like she feels heavy. She kind of does. ]

I love you. M'sorry.

[ She really does hate upsetting him more than ever, these days. It's what makes handling some of this so hard. Sometimes she has to push, sometimes it's going to be hard. This wasn't... she doesn't even know what this was. He was never meant to find out any of this like this. ]

I love you, Sis.

[ He releases the embrace just enough to pull back and look her in the face. And holds there, looking her in the eye, not speaking. ]

[ She looks back at him, but starts feeling awkward under the silent gaze, the scrutiny, after too long a moment. ]

...what?

I just...

[ He pauses, shakes his head, and returns to hugging her. ]

You're here. I'm here. We are both here.

...yeah. Yeah, we are. We're both here. And not going anywhere.

[ She buries her face in his shoulder and breathes. They're both here, they're both alive, they're both alive and here together. ]

[ He's willing to cling for a good while, but eventually he decides she probably wants to be let go. ]

All right.

[ A part of her just wants to stay there like that for a long while, but when he lets go she figures he wants to let go, now, so she lets him. Rubs at her face once she's got use of her arms again. Heaves a sigh. ]

...I meant it, about the guns. If you're worried. I'm really not gonna do anything, but...

[ A shrug. She doesn't remember ever seeing him quite like what she just witnessed, so. A couple weeks to ease his mind would be... fine, probably, if he needed that. ]

[ He gives her a long look. ]

No, it's okay. I believe you.

Okay. [ deep breath ] Okay.

[ She looks him in the face, then ends up with her gaze centered on the wall. ]

...I was gonna tell you eventually, like, properly. About dying. I just wanted to do it right. [ snort ] Way to go me, I guess.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: vague suicidal ideation again

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject