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I don't have to—

[ Of course she has to. She has to, because all she can think about is the way he just sat there, totally limp in her attempts to hug him, how this is the first time she's even heard her real name since.

Anger rises up like it always does, but it's weaker than it ever was before. It's more hurt than anything else and she hates it. She hates that she can't bury it, anymore. ]

T-That's what it takes, huh? Me— her— getting fucking disappeared.

Edited 2021-09-25 00:36 (UTC)

[ He frowns. ]

What what takes?

[ Her mouth opens, then closes, her teeth gritting so hard they grind together. Her jaw tense. Now he's asked she doesn't even... she's not sure... ]

You regretting not fucking talking to me. You— You—

[ Considering forgiving her? No, she can't even say it. She still doesn't even believe it's possible. ]

I-I don't know, Drew. Okay? I don't even fucking know.

Edited (addition) 2021-09-25 00:59 (UTC)

[ He sighs. ]

Yes, apparently that's what it takes to regret not talking to you. 'Cause look, you know, what you did was awfully shitty. But that doesn't mean I cut you off forever. Not even half of forever.

[ He sighs and her teeth grit harder, her knuckles go white from her balling her fists. She doesn't want to do this, not again. ]

The you from where I was? He told me he couldn't even fucking associate with me until he figured out how to forgive me. Sounds an awful fucking lot like forever to me.

[ She sounds... pained, more than anything. It still hurts. She understands it, maybe even believes it's what she deserves, but it still hurts. ]

What did she even say? That me? Because that— that wasn't me. I don't know how she explained any of it. I don't...

[ It hits her how hypocritical that is even as she says it, to condemn him to the words of another version of him as she asks for an explanation of her own. Fuck. She thought she was getting better. ]

Edited (addition) 2021-09-25 02:06 (UTC)

[ He shrugs helplessly. He doesn't want to let it stand between them, but what else can he do? ]

Just that she found it more important to get rid of Theta than to safeguard my life. That it was easier to let the Meta do what she hadn't been able to do. That she was too selfish to step in when I really needed her help. Stuff like that.

[ She almost wishes it were more dissimilar to her own reality, worse somehow so that she could claw something back from this, but of course not. Nothing about this has ever gone in her favour, why would it start now?

Her shoulders shake, a little. With strain, more than a sign of oncoming tears. ]

...right. Yeah. I wanted to let it take Theta. I thought then... then it'd just be us again, and we could actually get away. Fucking shitty fucking idea, didn't think it through at all. E-Even besides how much you'd fucking hate me if you ever knew it was my fault you lost Theta, y-you would've been so fucked up we wouldn't have stood a chance fighting it and— and I fucked up the timing, anyway. Came to help too late. Wouldn't risk my own fucking life to try save yours.

[ It never gets easier to explain. Her old self's logic falls apart a bit more with every retelling, makes her feel a little bit worse every time. ]

Edited (wording) 2021-09-26 00:45 (UTC)

Right.

[ He lets himself shudder down, slouching into the couch and resting his head on the back of it. He stares at the ceiling. ]

I haven't forgiven you. But I don't want to cut you off.

Edited 2021-09-26 02:18 (UTC)

[ Her breath catches.

...for a second she's not actually sure she's heard him right. It's too close to what she'd oh so hoped he'd say, back in that changing room, that she wonders if she just imagined it. Not a 'I forgive you' that she'd never believe, but an honest sounding 'I don't', and— ]

...you— you don't.

[ It's a question, even if her voice is flat. She turns her head half-way to look back at him. ]

[ He tells the ceiling: ]

I don't. I already did that once, and suffered the consequences.

We have to be able to find a way through this without the silent treatment being involved.

[ Something that’s not quite as simple as relief washes over her, and her shoulders slump. It feels… wrong, in a way; he lost that other her and now she’s reaping the ‘benefits’, but— but not wrong enough that she doesn’t suddenly feel like she can breathe again.

This is what she wanted, isn’t it? More than anything? To work through it all without having to lose him? ]

…I really thought I’d never get to talk to you again…

[ It’s quiet, barely above a mumble. She presses her lips together, then carefully, slowly, shuffles back his way. If he’ll let her, she’ll rest her head on his shoulder and curl up against his side—but she stays ready to move away, if he won’t. ]

So it was like that with him, too, huh?

[ When she leans her head on his shoulder, he raises his other hand and gives her a pat on the head. ]

Maybe it was supposed to be like this. I don't know.

He was still there, but— but s’like I said, he said he needed to forgive me first, y’know? A-And… and I know I don’t…

[ She sighs, curls up tighter against his side. ]

I know there’s no forgiving the shit I did to you, Drew. But I can live with not being forgiven if there’s other ways forward.

Edited (wording) 2021-09-26 15:29 (UTC)

[ He responds by remaining quiet, sighing. He doesn't push her away, but he doesn't keep purposely touching her beyond one last ruffle of her hair before he lowers his arm. ]

[ She doesn’t push her luck, doesn’t extend an arm to wrap around him like she wants to. She just sits, tucked up against his side, head on his shoulder, just glad he’s not pushing her away. ]

…I-I’ll follow your cues on this. The whole way. I— I’ve lost you so many times, and it’s always been my own fucking fault, but I don’t… I don’t want to lose you now. Not again.

[ The others are all here, but they don’t know her as she is now, and she’s never felt more alone. ]

[ He raises his head. ]

How many times?

[ He's wondering if she counts him taking Theta on as a 'loss'. ]

[ In a way, but... now it's less about Theta himself, and more about the why. The why she's not even sure if this him knows about. ]

When the Project started their fucking experiment. When you... when you died. And like— twice, back on the rig.

Experiment? The whole thing was an experiment, wasn't it?

Oh, boy.

[ She drags a hand over her face. Okay. He doesn't know. How the fuck does she even start... ]

Yeah, whole thing was an experiment, but... but it was apparently somehow fucking worse than even that. They uh... they were experimenting on us, directly. You and me. Psychological bullshit.

[ He frowns, looks at her. It's dawning on him in a slow, creeping way that this is pretty bad. ]

Psychological bullshit in what sense?

'pparently the idea was to give one of us a fuckin' AI, and the other fucking nothing. But Delta said it... god, how did he fucking put it... it 'extended beyond its original remit'. They shafted me on purpose to fuck with me. Fuck with us.

[ God, it still makes her feel a little sick to think about. ]

[ North frowns deeply. ]

You know...I don't believe I've ever felt the need to beat someone's head in for revenge until just now.

[ Soldiering is one thing. Killing for self-satisfaction is another. ]

[ Laughter might not be what he expects at that, but some escapes under her breath anyway. He may not be the North from the rig, but he's still North. ]

If it helps, I did get to beat the Counselor up a bit. In the last place. Couldn't let you kill him, though.

Puts a lot of shit in a new light, doesn't it?

The Counselor was there? Shit.

[ He ponders it for a moment. ]

It does, yeah. A lot.

Sure fuckin' was, tried his best to fuck with us but no one on the rig trusted him far as they could throw him, so.

[ She shrugs, slightly. Price was a pain, but actually not the worst thing about the rig, somehow. ]

They knew exactly how to get in my head. How to... make me resent you. Every time I look back I see another fucking place where they twisted us up and... and I hate that I let that happen, y'know?

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