bothbarrels | Duplicity IC Contact

[ Her breath catches.

...for a second she's not actually sure she's heard him right. It's too close to what she'd oh so hoped he'd say, back in that changing room, that she wonders if she just imagined it. Not a 'I forgive you' that she'd never believe, but an honest sounding 'I don't', and— ]

...you— you don't.

[ It's a question, even if her voice is flat. She turns her head half-way to look back at him. ]

[ He tells the ceiling: ]

I don't. I already did that once, and suffered the consequences.

We have to be able to find a way through this without the silent treatment being involved.

[ Something that’s not quite as simple as relief washes over her, and her shoulders slump. It feels… wrong, in a way; he lost that other her and now she’s reaping the ‘benefits’, but— but not wrong enough that she doesn’t suddenly feel like she can breathe again.

This is what she wanted, isn’t it? More than anything? To work through it all without having to lose him? ]

…I really thought I’d never get to talk to you again…

[ It’s quiet, barely above a mumble. She presses her lips together, then carefully, slowly, shuffles back his way. If he’ll let her, she’ll rest her head on his shoulder and curl up against his side—but she stays ready to move away, if he won’t. ]

So it was like that with him, too, huh?

[ When she leans her head on his shoulder, he raises his other hand and gives her a pat on the head. ]

Maybe it was supposed to be like this. I don't know.

He was still there, but— but s’like I said, he said he needed to forgive me first, y’know? A-And… and I know I don’t…

[ She sighs, curls up tighter against his side. ]

I know there’s no forgiving the shit I did to you, Drew. But I can live with not being forgiven if there’s other ways forward.

Edited (wording) 2021-09-26 15:29 (UTC)

[ He responds by remaining quiet, sighing. He doesn't push her away, but he doesn't keep purposely touching her beyond one last ruffle of her hair before he lowers his arm. ]

[ She doesn’t push her luck, doesn’t extend an arm to wrap around him like she wants to. She just sits, tucked up against his side, head on his shoulder, just glad he’s not pushing her away. ]

…I-I’ll follow your cues on this. The whole way. I— I’ve lost you so many times, and it’s always been my own fucking fault, but I don’t… I don’t want to lose you now. Not again.

[ The others are all here, but they don’t know her as she is now, and she’s never felt more alone. ]

[ He raises his head. ]

How many times?

[ He's wondering if she counts him taking Theta on as a 'loss'. ]

[ In a way, but... now it's less about Theta himself, and more about the why. The why she's not even sure if this him knows about. ]

When the Project started their fucking experiment. When you... when you died. And like— twice, back on the rig.

Experiment? The whole thing was an experiment, wasn't it?

Oh, boy.

[ She drags a hand over her face. Okay. He doesn't know. How the fuck does she even start... ]

Yeah, whole thing was an experiment, but... but it was apparently somehow fucking worse than even that. They uh... they were experimenting on us, directly. You and me. Psychological bullshit.

[ He frowns, looks at her. It's dawning on him in a slow, creeping way that this is pretty bad. ]

Psychological bullshit in what sense?

'pparently the idea was to give one of us a fuckin' AI, and the other fucking nothing. But Delta said it... god, how did he fucking put it... it 'extended beyond its original remit'. They shafted me on purpose to fuck with me. Fuck with us.

[ God, it still makes her feel a little sick to think about. ]

[ North frowns deeply. ]

You know...I don't believe I've ever felt the need to beat someone's head in for revenge until just now.

[ Soldiering is one thing. Killing for self-satisfaction is another. ]

[ Laughter might not be what he expects at that, but some escapes under her breath anyway. He may not be the North from the rig, but he's still North. ]

If it helps, I did get to beat the Counselor up a bit. In the last place. Couldn't let you kill him, though.

Puts a lot of shit in a new light, doesn't it?

The Counselor was there? Shit.

[ He ponders it for a moment. ]

It does, yeah. A lot.

Sure fuckin' was, tried his best to fuck with us but no one on the rig trusted him far as they could throw him, so.

[ She shrugs, slightly. Price was a pain, but actually not the worst thing about the rig, somehow. ]

They knew exactly how to get in my head. How to... make me resent you. Every time I look back I see another fucking place where they twisted us up and... and I hate that I let that happen, y'know?

Yes.

[ The whole gravity of the thing is still sinking in. He pauses. ]

So it's not that you lost me in the experiment, it's that you saw me differently. And that drove us apart.

Felt like losing you at the time. But— yeah. I felt... god, I felt like I was going fucking crazy. The whole time, I knew something was off, that I was being treated... different, but... no one else could see it. Not even you. You just kept— being you, trying to calm me down, trying to fix things you couldn't fix, treating it like it was all something I was doing wrong, like I was angry for no good reason...

[ She shrugs. It's a little easier to articulate, the second time around. ]

[ He sighed. ]

I don't know what else I could have done. What either of us could have done.

There were times you coulda listened, Drew. I'm not... I'm not gonna pretend I was some saint, 'cause I sure fucking wasn't, but... but there were times you just didn't hear what I was saying. You just kinda... dismissed it all as me being me, y'know?

[ She nestles her head more against his shoulder and sighs, too. ]

And... and I get it, but it was so frustrating. Not feeling heard.

[ He ponders that for a bit. ]

I can't even imagine what you were put through. What was going through your head.

Sometimes it all made me feel so— inferior, y'know? I tried so fucking hard but it was never enough, and no one else could see it was bullshit. And...

[ The next bit comes out barely above a mumble. ]

...felt like you were tired of having to deal with me, a lot of the time. And that wasn't Theta's fault, I know that now, it just... it just made it harder.

It had always just been us, y'know? On top of everything else...

[ One more straw on the camel's back. ]

Mmh.

[ He again waits, thinking, before responding. ]

He felt like an intruder. Someone taking up the time and energy that was normally directed in your direction.

...yeah. God, it sounds even more pathetic like that, but... yeah.

The stupidest thing is you babying me all the time pissed me off. I wanted more freedom from just being the twins, but... the second something got between us...

[ Another sigh. ]

I'm not proud of it.

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