Agent North Dakota | Andrew Engelsen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bothbarrels) wrote2021-08-22 10:30 am
bothbarrels) wrote2021-08-22 10:30 am
Duplicity IC Contact
I suppose if you've reached this message I'm not around to accept your contact.
So, you can just leave it here, and I'll be sure to contact you back as soon as I can.
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Felt like losing you at the time. But— yeah. I felt... god, I felt like I was going fucking crazy. The whole time, I knew something was off, that I was being treated... different, but... no one else could see it. Not even you. You just kept— being you, trying to calm me down, trying to fix things you couldn't fix, treating it like it was all something I was doing wrong, like I was angry for no good reason...
[ She shrugs. It's a little easier to articulate, the second time around. ]
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I don't know what else I could have done. What either of us could have done.
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There were times you coulda listened, Drew. I'm not... I'm not gonna pretend I was some saint, 'cause I sure fucking wasn't, but... but there were times you just didn't hear what I was saying. You just kinda... dismissed it all as me being me, y'know?
[ She nestles her head more against his shoulder and sighs, too. ]
And... and I get it, but it was so frustrating. Not feeling heard.
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I can't even imagine what you were put through. What was going through your head.
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Sometimes it all made me feel so— inferior, y'know? I tried so fucking hard but it was never enough, and no one else could see it was bullshit. And...
[ The next bit comes out barely above a mumble. ]
...felt like you were tired of having to deal with me, a lot of the time. And that wasn't Theta's fault, I know that now, it just... it just made it harder.
It had always just been us, y'know? On top of everything else...
[ One more straw on the camel's back. ]
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[ He again waits, thinking, before responding. ]
He felt like an intruder. Someone taking up the time and energy that was normally directed in your direction.
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...yeah. God, it sounds even more pathetic like that, but... yeah.
The stupidest thing is you babying me all the time pissed me off. I wanted more freedom from just being the twins, but... the second something got between us...
[ Another sigh. ]
I'm not proud of it.
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It's one thing being looked at as 'the twins' all the time; it's another no longer being in that dynamic. Yeah?
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Mmhm. It was always us, you were always there, and suddenly that felt... felt like it could change. And I think it kinda fucking terrified me.
[ She's quiet for a second. Tucks herself a little closer, subconsciously more than on purpose. ]
We talked about this, y'know. And more. All my fuckin'... complicated feelings about being us, wanting to be me but not knowing how. And... and I want to talk about it again, because I want you to understand, and I want to understand you, but—
But I do want you to know I know none of this is a fucking excuse for how I acted.
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You know what, we need each other here. More than ever.
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[ She tenses, briefly, as if not expecting the arm, but as soon as that tension releases she's more relaxed than she even was before. ]
Yeah. Yeah, we really fuckin' do. We need... we need to look out for each other.
...you need help with anything, things you need a dominant to sign off on or something, just let me know, okay?
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How'd you end up Up there, anyway?
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Fuck if I know. You know I've always liked girls who could give me a run for my money [ which is about the least 'ew' way she can think of to discuss this total misalignment with her fucking brother of all people ] so there's no fuckin' logic to this shit.
York told me the rest of you all ended up in the Down. Figures I end up an outlier somehow, I guess.
[ Maybe she's a little bitter about the 'not being near people she knows' side of things. ]
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[ He sighs. ]
There should people who can go back and forth. That's where I'd be.
[ Which is also a non-ew way to discuss this with his sister. Or maybe it's too much information, but oh well, he's said it now. ]
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[ She snorts, shaking her head a little and poking him in the stomach. Maybe a little too much, but she'll forgive him that. ]
Couldn't control us all if that was an option. Same old same old, huh?
...York also told me you wanted to go full fuckin' rebel on this place, you know.
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I tried. I failed at it. And it was stupid, anyway. You can't fight the system that way.
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[ She tilts her head back to look up at him. ]
...really thought I was gonna have to give you a lecture for once, because no shit it isn't; gotta play this shit right. Do I wanna know what happened? You okay?
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I went to the festival thinking I would convince people to stop participating. And I just dived in, head-first, instead.
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[ Her brow creases with worry and she wraps one arm around him to give him a squeeze. ]
...people do keep warning me how this places messes with us.
You're not hurt though, yeah...?
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Not hurt, no. I just felt kind of...wrong, after. Off.
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Not surprised. Sounds like some real fuckery.
[ The squeeze back is more reassuring for her, in turn, than it has any right to be. She settles again, arm still around him. ]
We just gotta... play this whole mess the right way. Figure out how to get by in the most tolerable fuckin' way for now.
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...I'm not even gonna ask in what way.
[ She's teasing, gently. And she's absolutely not going to get into the fact the pair of them were straight up dating back where she was. ]
I'll... figure shit out on my end. And try help you fuckers in the Down when I can. Least I can say that for having this stupid designation.
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Yes, that way. I had to tell him that back where I came from we had a one-night stand. I did that thing where I turned bright red, so that was fun.
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[ Oh yeah absolutely not getting into the dating thing. ]
Of course you fuckin' went bright red. Dipshit. Absolutely not gonna ask what the fuck went on with him where you were, that's way tmi, but hey. You trust him, right, so. More than some people here can probably say.
[ She has... no idea what she's going to do about quota, yet, but at least casual, no expectations flings are what she's used to. ]
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