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"I guess so. I keep asking Delta if I have enough money and he says yes, so I trust him."

She tries a bit of the salmon. "This is really good. Look at you, exceeding my expectations again."

Anyway. "Nah, nothing bad. I think he wants to fuck me." She considers as she has a bit more fish. "Honestly, I'd kind of like to fuck him, but that's the sort of thing you and me said we'd talked about, and we hadn't talked about it, so yeah. He got kind of weirded out, and I think maybe he thought I was coming onto him even though I actually wasn't, so I wrote him an apology and drew him a picture and we're totally okay again. I hope." Everything had sure seemed okay.

Just normal conversation as far as she's concerned, really. "I'm actually really happy with that picture. I wonder if he'd let me use it for something else."

Edited 2015-02-17 03:13 (UTC)

He doesn't act shocked, or dismayed, or...react in any way, really. It's true that they'd agreed to discuss such things. He's not sure what he expected, but for it to come up so casually wasn't it.

Okay, well, his non-response is probably a reaction. He finds that he'd paused in the middle of scooping up a bite of fish, so he continues with bringing it to his mouth, and once he's done that he sets his fork down. "Seems like a mutual thing to you, then," he says, looking at her.

She gives him a worried look. Of shit, is she saying this the wrong way? She's not good at this stuff and has no idea what she's doing, and suddenly it's nerve wracking. "Um... Yeah, if you and I weren't dating I'd definitely take him for a ride. But that's not how the dating thing works, right? You get to decide if I can or not, right?"

Which still seems incredibly weird to her, but it worked for Whiskey and Joyce. (She's definitely no Joyce.) And maybe that's just how it's supposed to work in general. She does want to do this right.

"If you 'can'," he repeats. Because she wants to, yeah. That's the crux of the matter. And sure, he knows people can harbor lust for people who aren't their significant others, and he sort of knew this would come up sooner or later, but it doesn't mean he likes it. Even if the whole provision for this was kind of borne of something he'd said. "If I say no you're still going to wish you could," he says, a little quieter. "Right?"

Wrath frowns. She's not sure what is going on in his head, but she's getting worried. "What do you mean? Like... I wish I could eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast every day. That doesn't mean I do."

Okay, sex is better than ice cream but the point stands. "Doesn't everyone want to fuck people they find attractive? Or am I being weird again?"

Shit.

"I mean if I say no it's not going to change the fact that you feel that way," he says. It seemed so simple when they'd discussed it, back when it was new, but though it hasn't been long since then they'd grown closer and beyond that the feelings he had held for York at the time of their conversation had had time to fade. It isn't the same now as it had been then. "To me it's deeper than that. You just find him attractive or you feel close to him?"

"No, I don't think so?" She frowns again. "Should it?" Are feelings supposed to just turn on and off? She can do that for combat, because it's about survival. But things don't work that way normally, right? Or is there something wrong with her?

That was always the question she seems to have to ask these days. Is something wrong with her? Because she knows things are very wrong with her sometimes, mentally and emotionally. It's hard to be certain about anything any more. Which is the worst thing she lost, being thrown out of the militia: her certainty. Though even then she hadn't been completely certain about everything, or the fight in the Hub might have gone very differently.

Her frown deepens. "But I can try. I want to do this right." She wants to stop feeling like a failure.

The next question is pretty easy to answer. "I guess I am close to him? Orion's a really good friend." Is that a problem? But she likes having friends. It's so... Different. But is it bad to feel like that about your friends? Only North is basically her best friend (well, him and Maine) and she definitely feels that way about him.

(About both of them, honestly, but even she knows that now is really not the time to mention that.)

But she feels like there's an important point she should make. "Maybe it's not the way it's supposed to be... but North, it's a way bigger deal to me that I have friends like you and Orion and Maine and Christine and Delta than it is that I'd like to have sex with anyone in particular." Friends is a much scarier and difficult and more rewarding concept.

He watches her for a moment. "I don't mean to be jealous," he says. He is though. He can't help it. Just like she can't help feeling the way she feels about Orion. No, she can't turn that on and off. And he doesn't expect her to try. "It's normal to fantasize about people. It's a matter of whether you act on it. And we agreed to talk before we acted on it, so...thank you for doing that." He rubs his fingertips in a slightly arc along the surface of the table. "I can't help the fact that I'm a monogamist, though. Even when we talked about it and I was sort of leaving open the possibility of something for myself, I didn't think I would end up ever asking or going through with it. That kind of loyalty means a lot to me. And even though we've only been together for a month, I...really feel something for you. So the idea of you being with someone else bothers me."

"It's okay to feel jealous, I think. I... feel jealous of you all the time, but that's because you get to go to work and I don't. But it doesn't mean I like you any less." She rests her chin on her hand. "It's just part of being human, I guess?"

And it is a guess. She's getting to feel and experience things she never got to before, and she feels like she's flying blind. Everyone else makes it so simple, so matter-of-fact. She's not used to having choices, not like this.

"I don't know what to do, North," she admits. "You're the most important person to me, so I'd rather... shit, I'd rather bleed than hurt you, even if I'm a fucking asshole and I've managed to do that already. And you did tell me what I was getting in to. But I've also never done any of this before. This is all really new to me. And it's been a month and this hasn't come up until now, which considering how much drinking, fucking, and fighting I did in a week before is... kind of impressive."

Maybe it's because she can't drink right now. But it's not alcohol that's causing the current issue.

"I guess I kind of thought that there's like this... magic switch that's like hey, you're in a relationship so this is how everything works now. What the fuck do I know? It's... really hard for me to think long-term. A month seems like a really long time to me. And maybe it's all just like... bad habits that I need to figure out how to break and I can be better." She's trying to be hopeful, but she also wonders if this is just the order all her pieces got stuck in on the last go-round and this is going to be her configuration of fucked up. She's starting to realize that she doesn't know who she is well enough to tell, and it's a terrifying thought. "But what if this is the kind of broken I am? What do we do?"

"It's human to hope and wish. Don't stop that. You know you can aspire to go something great, even if it doesn't mean you get to fight again."

He drags his fingers along the table top again. "I don't expect you to change who you are. But I know you're not a slave to your impulses. You've made that clear just by doing this, asking, like you said you would. That's the part that's important to me. That you know what I would prefer and you respect me enough and care enough about me to act on that instead of your lust."

He frowns. "What do you mean by that? You mean you think you'll eventually screw it up and act on it anyway?"

She does her best to do that too, but that doesn't mean she can be relentlessly positive internally all the time. She does long for when things made sense and she had structure in her life. She knew who she was. She also didn't have conversations like this. And while this could be worse, it's not exactly fun.

"I hope I wouldn't," she says. "I'm pretty disciplined." But sex has also always been her outlet. The place where she didn't need to be disciplined. And it's one of the few connections she feels like she has left with her body. She can't fight any more. "But I also know better than to promise to be perfect."

She's silent for a long moment, just thinking. "I meant more... what if I do keep thinking about stuff like this? Bringing it up hurt your feelings, didn't it? Am I going to keep hurting your feelings? And... are you always going to say no?" Because he can. He's got the right to do that. "Because then it seems kind of pointless to bring it up at all, if all it's going to do is make you feel bad and then make me feel bad for making you feel bad."

And if the answer's always going to be the same... She cares about North a lot. She doesn't want to hurt him. But after a month of trying it out, she's not sure if she can handle having her remaining physical outlet so restrained for an unknown amount of time. Like she has too much freedom in every aspect of her life but this, and it makes her feel strange.

And how horrible of a person is she, for having these thoughts?

The more this talk continues the more clear their cultural and emotional differences become. "I guess I didn't consider the emotional aspect of it when we first discussed it," he says. "It's kind of stupid because the whole reason I agreed to it was because of York but I didn't consider the fact that if you got around to asking it might be someone you were close to. Or someone you were planning to live with." So maybe it does make him a hypocrite considering what happened when he let himself give into feelings he was feeling for York in the first place. Causing York to cheat with him and now forbidding her from acting on a similar impulse? And at least in this case they'd made provisions for this possibility. And he was still contemplating saying no.

He presses his lips into a line briefly. "This is the sticking point for me. What would that mean for us going forward if you had another sexual partner who was more available to you than me? You'd be closer to him than me after not-very-long; that's just inevitable. I mean, someone who's right across the house who you could slip into bed with at any time?" He's already feeling jealous about it but putting it into words like that surely doesn't help. And worse is that he has to avoid giving in to the impulse to be passive-aggressive about it. That would be shooting himself in the foot in so many ways.

"It's kind of weird for me too," she admits. "I'm not used to having people I'm close to at all." Except Whiskey. And Whiskey... she can't really remember anything, but she has a feeling there's a big factor as to why they're so close, and it has to do with Joyce as well.

"But..." She doesn't feel the same way about Whiskey that she does about North. And... "Orion is a really good friend and he's really important to me. But I don't feel the same way about him that I do about you." It's weird and complicated and she isn't sure how else to explain it. She's close to Orion; she wants to be closer to him and share things with him, and that's where a lot of this is coming from. But she can't really imagine being gooby at him in the same way she is at North.

They're different people, and they touch different parts of her life. And Maine? Even more so. Maine needs her in ways that North never will, even if Maine is too much of a dumb boy to admit he needs anyone.

His question brings a little frown to her face, a bit of confusion. "Do you think I'd want you less if I was fucking Orion? No, I don't think so. Orion's really important to me but you're my best friend and my boyfriend so you get dibs. You know, like how things are already."

She has dinner with Maine and Orion and loves hanging out with them, but if North has time for her she's always ready to drop everything and go. It'd have to be something really important to get her to turn North down.

The mention of slipping into bed with other people makes her frown a little more deeply. "Am I not supposed to be sleeping in a bed with someone else? Not sex. Just sleeping."

Because it hadn't even occurred to her that it could be a problem, and she's been sharing bed space with Maine since the riots ended. But... She can't imagine kicking him out, either.

"Spending time with people in different contexts changes things. It might take a while—it might not even happen with you noticing it, but it does change things. If it didn't you would feel this way in the first place."

He brings a hand to his chin and rests it there, his fingers covering his mouth for a moment. He's pondering, his gaze distant for a moment, and then he blows out a small sigh as he looks back at her.

"To be honest, I'm at a total loss," he says. "See, I believe you. I know you're sincere and telling the truth. You know? I don't doubt you at all. And I know being clingy and jealous doesn't help anything because you're from a different world from me where this sort of thing is normal. Like, you'd say you understand, but you wouldn't really. I can tell that already just from this conversation."

He frowns slightly. "I guess my question would be whether he would treat this the same way you would. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting for your affections with someone who wants more than what you're willing to give him."

The sleeping thing is, paradoxically, more complicated. "I guess as far as sleeping in a bed with someone, it depends on context. Like, if you're feeling this way about someone—feeling enough affection and attraction that you're flirting and unintentionally coming on to them, then I think something could happen that you don't really intend...and that's different from planning ahead like this and asking. That would be cheating. And that would hurt. I know you feel like you've hurt me by asking, but you haven't really, not compared to that. This is more...me being taken by surprise."

So that means, in turn, he probably doesn't really understand her stance on things. This... sucks. Wrath rubs her forehead. At least it's good that he believes what she's saying, because she is being sincere and honest. So there's that.

She huffs an exasperated sigh. "I don't understand anything any more." She doesn't know what to say to any of that, really. But at least... It doesn't sound like she's fucked up completely. Or that she's accidentally become a bad person.

He does have a question, at least, even if she doesn't have a good answer. She frowns. "I don't know. I'd have to talk to Orion about it. I haven't said anything to him." Well, not in the context of something potentially happening. Because North comes first. And it's not fair to start people even thinking about stuff if you don't know where things stand, it seems to her. Orion shouldn't have any expectations about North and what he'd say one way out another, because it wouldn't be fair to North. She's supposed to have his back. "And if someone wants something from me that I don't want to give, I just say no..." She's not entirely sure about the concern, really. Orion wouldn't do something bad. She trusts him.

"You and Orion are really different people," she finally says. It's the only answer she really has.

She shakes her head. "I didn't mean Orion, actually." Well, they're was the Orion being drunk and hanging in with her and Maine but... that's a thing she doesn't expect would repeat without specific invitation and probably would just complicate matters. "When Maine came out to the ranch after the riots ended, it was super late at night and no one else was up so he just slept in my bed after I got him cleaned up." She shrugs. "And I haven't bothered making him find his own room because... him being around makes me feel safe. Like when I always had Octavian's back on the Line."

Because she's not okay. Not after being chased so many times by compliance in so few days. "Nothing sexy at all," she clarifies, just to make sure it's clear. Then she wrinkles her nose. "And he snores like a fucking chain gun."

He knows he's flushing. It's creeping up his neck and his ears feel pretty warm already. "I'm civil with Maine," he says slowly. "Mostly for your sake." And for Maine's, really. It's not fair of North to hold this version of Maine responsible. He knows it's not. Because this Maine is from a part of the timeline where he's never been influenced by Sigma and never gone after the AIs, but... Well, it's kind of hard to get past the memory of Maine bearing down on him and killing him.

And it's kind of hard to be okay with one's girlfriend becoming close to one's murderer. Especially when she actually witnessed his memory of that happening.

So he feels a hell of a lot stronger about her cuddling with Maine than her having sex with Orion. It's hard not to. Not when he has trouble even being in the other man's presence. Not when the very sight of that golden domed helmet, which Maine wears often around base, leaves him at best with a pounding heart and at worst at the edge of a full-blown panic. Something he's never shared, not with Hob, not with Wrath, not with anyone. He has his ways of coping. And most of them involve not associating himself with Maine. Ever.

Wrath's regard sharpens a bit as she makes note of the flush. Kind of weird, since on her understanding North would think sleeping at someone's back is much less of a big deal than fucking them. But then again, it is Maine. She'd had a weird moment with him after the dream stuff, when she'd found out about North dying. But it was also easy for her to accept that he hadn't been Maine any more at that point, from what York had told her. And Maine has been completely confused by the information besides; he didn't have any problems with North.

She'd also felt kind of weird the first time she'd seen him running around with that helmet. But he's basically overridden any lingering doubts by coming in as her backup during the riots. He'd done right by her and then some.

Finally, she says, "I appreciate you being professional with him." She folds her hands on the table in front of her, trying to think how to explain this to North. Because this is important. It's more important than anything else she has in her life; it just is. And it's weird to consider things that way.

"I can't really imagine how you feel about having to deal with him, after what happened. Even if it wasn't really him any more. Even if it's long after his time. I had a really hard time dealing with your sister because of that and it's less immediate for me. You're a good man for doing your best."

Of course, she expects his best, always. North doesn't disappoint her. Unconsciously, she's sitting a little straighter, her posture becoming something much more precise and coiled, like it does when, for just a minute she forgets that she isn't Lieutenant Wrath any more.

Her change in composure makes him wary; his face has fallen slightly and he moves his eyes to meet hers. The coolness that has crept into her demeanor and her speech, though slight, strikes him as a signal that she's unwilling to give up that friendship. And by the way she said that it appears to already be a closed topic to her. Is this the hill to die on?

The irony of that thought is almost funny, but he sure doesn't feel like laughing.

He sits up slightly, matching her posture, forcing himself to calm his breathing so the color will drain from his face. Forbidding her from cuddling wasn't a part of their agreement. Forbidding her from cultivating friendships wasn't a part of their agreement. Forcing her to put him first wasn't a part of their agreement.

Allowing himself to be crushed emotionally wasn't a part of their agreement either, but like he told her, she can't help how she feels. Neither can he. But she had done the right thing and acted upon her feelings appropriately. He'll just have to suck it up and do the same thing. He's known how she feels about this ever since they got together and it's not fair of him to renege on it now. It's not fair of him to renege on it at all. And it's definitely not fair to move the line and impose stricter limits.

"I want you to be happy," he says. "And I can tell this would make you happy. Your friendship with Orion...makes you happy." Fucking hell. He forces himself to say the next part without frowning, to keep his affect neutral. "Go ahead and have sex with him. And thank you for bringing this to me instead of just acting on it."

How they got back to Orion from Maine, she's not entirely sure. It sort of makes her take a step back, but she's relieved North isn't going to fight her on Maine. It's not a choice she wants to ever have to make.

Maine's her soldier. Your soldiers always come first, before anything else. It's not even a conscious thought, more an instinct.

She relaxes back down, elbow on the table, chin on her hand again. "Okay. What kind of intelligence do you want on what actually happens? Cause...I mean I talked to you because you get dibs, right? For all I know Orion will think it's weird and say hell no and then there you go. He really respects you a lot." She smiles. "Which is how it should be. You're a good guy and you're good at your job."

She smiles a little wryly. "Thank you for listening to me and trying. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with anything but hopefully in not too much of a pain in the ass and still make you more happy than I do upset."

Edited 2015-02-20 23:51 (UTC)

There was that part of him that had sort of expected her to say she didn't want to anymore, not if it was going to hurt him. The rational part of him was bigger, though, the part of him that knew she was only acting on everything she'd expressed in the past and that none of it seemed strange to her in any way. And at least she was trying to see his side of it, as far as it went.

At her question he takes a sharp intake of breath. "Ah—nothing; nothing please. Yes, no, time, place, details—none of that." Especially nothing about how they compare, good god. "I wouldn't be willing to agree to this if you didn't make me happy. If you didn't mean a lot to me." And if in the end he can't get past this, well, they'd barely been together a month. It would just be an object lesson—that he can't handle being with a native. And considering this is his life now that would probably mean being single forever.

Wrath nods. "Okay. If you change your mind about anything, just tell me okay? Because you're more important." Because he meant a lot to her, or she wouldn't have been evening trying in the first place.

"Yeah. I will." He pokes at his now-cold salmon with his fork. He has zero appetite now but he doesn't want that to be obvious. So he takes a bite, like everything is normal.

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